Many years ago, I was having problems with a boyfriend, and I could not understand why. Then I discovered this amazing book by author Gary Chapman, The Five Languages of Love; it was life-changing.
The book describes how people have different needs based on their love language.
According to Dr. Chapman, there are five universal ways that all people express and interpret love. Through his more than 30 years of couples counseling, Dr. Chapman has noticed specific patterns in the way partners communicate.
Dr. Chapman firmly believes that each person has one primary and one secondary love language (you can take the quiz here) to determine what your personal love languag. Dr. Chapman theorizes people tend to give love in the way they prefer to receive love. Since we don’t all have the same preferences as our partners when it comes to giving and receiving love, this is how relationships can start to get tricky. But by understanding our partners’ inherent love language, we can start to tear down walls in our romantic lives.
Here are the five languages of love:
1. Words of affirmation
This language uses words to affirm other people. For those who prefer the words of affirmation language, hearing “I love you” and other compliments are what they value the most. Words hold real value within this language. Furthermore, negative or insulting comments cut deep — and won’t be easily forgiven.
2. Quality time
This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention. Unlike the words of affirmation language, talk is cheap and being a loved one’s main focus leaves quality timers feeling satisfied and comforted. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful to these individuals. Being there for them is crucial.
3. Receiving gifts
Some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a tangible gift. This doesn’t necessarily mean the person is materialistic, but a meaningful or thoughtful present it was makes them feel appreciated.
4. Acts of service
For these people, actions speak louder than words. People who speak the language of service want their partner to recognize that their life is rough and help them out in any way possible. Lending a helping hand shows you really care. People who thrive on this language do not deal well with broken promises — or perceived laziness — and have very little tolerance for people who make more work for them. Basically, if you’re not willing to show your appreciation by doing them a favor, you’re saying you don’t value them.
5. Physical touch
To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch. That doesn’t mean only in the bedroom — everyday physical connections, like handholding, kissing, or any type of re-affirming physical contact is greatly appreciated. A person who speaks the language of physical touch isn’t necessarily an over-the-top PDAer, but getting a little touchy-feely does make them feel safe and loved. Any instance of physical abuse is a total deal breaker.
Hope this helps some you.
Sending love vibes! 💋
Follow me on any of these social media links:
Photo credit: Juan Numero China September – The Du Juan Numero China September 2011 photoshoot is sensually theatrical, with shots that could be stills from the latest film noir.
Language credit description; Dr. Chapman and Sarah Long