Here’s why you are feeling like a hot mess, part II

As promised last week, here’s part II Cognitive Distorted Behaviors that are causing you to feel like a hot mess:

Fallacy of fairness, we feel resentful towards others because we think we know what is fair, but other’s do not agree with us. We walk through life with a measuring tape against every situation judging its “fairness” when it does not go our way, we will often feel bad and negative because life is not fair.

Blaming, we either take on the blame or give it away like napkins at a cocktail party, Nobody can make us feel angry, happy, or sad. We are ultimately in control of our thoughts, emotions, and reactions. We are not our thoughts. Quiet the chattering roommate in your head.

Shoulds, we have a delusional high list of standards and rules on how others should behave. Others that break the rules make us angry, or we feel guilty when we violate these rules. We have to accept that it is our current reality. For example, you say to yourself “my diet starts tomorrow” then when you don’t eat properly the next day you beat yourself up. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct your should’s onto others, you are often left holding a bag of anger, frustration, and resentment.

Emotional reasoning, we believe that what we feel is gospel. If we feel dumb and boring, then we are dumb and boring. You assume that your unhealthy feelings are true.

Fallacy of change, we expect other people will change to suit your needs if you just pressure and cajole the other person enough. Your hopes, dreams, fantasies, and happiness seem to depend entirely on them.

Global Labeling, we generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. Some call it “labeling, mislabeling.” These are extreme forms of generalizing. Instead of an error in the context of a particular situation, a person will attach an unhealthy label to themselves. For example, you failed a quiz in one of your classes. Now you’ve decided you’re an idiot and aren’t any good at this subject.

Always being right, we are continually on trial to prove our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unimaginable, and we go the extra mile to prove our rightness. For example, you want to win an argument regardless of how bad you hurt another person’s feelings, even loved ones.

Heaven’s reward fallacy, we expect our sacrifice and selflessness to pay off as if someone is keeping score. Then we feel bitter when the reward does not come to fruition.

The best way to attack productivity-hampering cognitive distortions and restructure your thoughts is to track them. Try filling out a daily sheet in which you identify each negative thought as it comes to you, its corresponding cognitive distortion, along with a positive view that replaces the distortion with a more rational way of approaching the problem.

Hope this helps some you. 💋

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Photo credit:  Flavia-Catena-photography



  1. Jes

    I identify with this post. I have experience personal and professional failure as a result of my distorted perceptions in regards to certain things. For example: in my love life. This is the area when this sad issues has been more prevalent. As a result, unfortunately I have ruined the prospect of developing beautiful relationships. Sabotaging in different ways. Inrrestropective, I can now admit that in all my relationships there was a common denominator issue, and that was me 🙁 Finally, by identifying this condition, I feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel🙏🏻

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